


I'll Be Your Home

by judelaw



Category: The Young Pope (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Fear of Abandonment, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insomnia, M/M, Nightmares, traumatic past
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2018-10-07 15:40:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10363863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/judelaw/pseuds/judelaw
Summary: "I keep wondering - Who is the most unhappy? The land that breeds no hero or the land that needs a hero? The one that lost his home or the one that never had one?"





	1. Fear

**Author's Note:**

> I will take a few liberties when it comes the characterization of both Lenny and Gutierrez, simply because I think it's not unreasonable to assume they were a little bit different in their early twenties compared to how they are in their late fourties and because it's an AU after all and therefore their relationship will be of a completely different nature than it is on the show. However, I will try to stick as close as possible to the original characters for the most part.

He certainly didn't feel homesick.  
  
In fact, he hasn't even really thought of home since he came here a few days ago. Home felt like some distant, unreal and blurred memory, he just wanted to forget - at least parts of it. But now, on his first day, in this huge and scary lecture hall, whose walls seemed so wide yet incredibly stifling, he felt so alone and lost, that he just wanted to run back. Not that the walls at home were any different, but he _knew_ them. And he preferred this known fear and danger to the unknown one he was facing right now.   
  
Staring down at his desk, because he wanted to raise as little attention as possible, he wished he would have never come here. Back in Spain, it sounded like such a great idea to join the exchange program and spend a semester in the United States. This was finally the opportunity he waited for, to get away from everything, from his memories. To just forget. He thought everything would get better here. Being completely on his own, in a foreign country, with a foreign language, did seem quite scary from the very beginning, but the desire to finally let go of everything was so much greater than the fear. At least it was back then. Because now he certainly wished to be back home.  
  
He heard the professor entering the room and introducing himself to the students after things got calmer and more quiet. He managed to look up, at least with his eyes, and did his best to follow the words he spoke to the crowd. The language barrier wasn't as bad as he feared in the beginning, but certain accents or American words (after having been only taught the British equivalent at school) still gave him some trouble. However, he was confident it would get easier by time. What he wasn't so confident about, was that the professor was now talking about different projects they would have to do in groups of two or three over the entire semester.  
  
People immediately started talking and forming groups, as the lecturer started writing the instructions down on the board and he felt even more lost than before. He didn't know anyone in this entire country, let alone in this specific class room, and had no idea how to find a partner to work with. For a moment, he hoped someone would walk up to him and ask him to join their group, but he eventually realized that he had to be this person for someone else, if he didn't want to end up working alone. No one was paying him any attention. He looked around, wishing to spot someone in a similar position to his, as much as he didn't want anyone to be as lonely as he was, and, in fact, saw someone sitting in the first row, all by himself, copying the instructions into his notebook. The young man didn't seem to be a in a group, possibly too shy to form one just as he was himself.

For a moment, he debated with himself if he'd rather live the fear of staying alone and having to do the projects by himself, or the one of getting refused. The later had at least a little chance of ending good for him, so he decided to choose the less evil. Without giving doubts and fears anymore space, he stood up, gathered his things and made his way through the row, causing several people to stand up, which he apologized for. A lot. Probably more than necessary, but he was too focused on staying positive and brave to care. Nervously, he made his way down stairs to the front row, up to the seat the guy was sitting on.  
  
And he stood there, for what felt like half an eternity, without saying something.

The bravery completely left him and he thought about how easy it was a few rows back, to think of would he would say and how he would behave. But now, as he was looking at the guy next to him, who didn't even look up and was still writing down the notes, he didn't even know how he could have felt so confident in the first place. Just turning around would probably only worsen the situation though, and would certainly make him look like the idiot he thought he was.  
  
"There is a seat, you know", the guy was half-way through the instructions and didn't even look up as he was talking. The tone in his voice made him feel kind of caught in the act, even though he didn't do anything. But his lack of action was the point. He didn't want to do this. He really didn't. But he also didn't want to work alone on the projects.  
  
"I... I'm very sorry", he prayed his accent wasn't too heavy and that he was understandable enough. Overthinking every single word and syllable. He just wanted to be one of the students, not some weird foreigner. To blend perfectly in with everyone.  
  
The guy kept writing without paying him more attention, only looking up to see the board. He just wanted to go home. He really did. But it was too late to turn back now.  
  
"I wanted to ask", he hesitated. "Wanted to ask if you'd like to form a group with me."  
  
A thousand things ran through his head, from the structure of the sentence, to his pronunciation, to the level of politeness he should apply here and if he should say more. Perhaps explaining himself.  
  
"Because I don't know anyone here and therefore was wondering if you and me-"  
  
"I only work alone."

There has been a huge flaw in his logic before, when he considered which of the fears was worse, and he now painfully realized that. While the later certainly had a possibility to end happily, it would also automatically include the former if not. And cause more pain.   
  
Wondering if that only was an excuse to not work with him, being almost certain it was, he clung to his bag: "I'm sorry for having disturbed you. I didn't know who else I could ask, I will leave you alone. I'm sorry."  
  
As he was about to turn around, the guy suddenly looked at him and even though it absolutely wasn't of any help in this situation, he couldn't help but notice the beauty of the eyes that were looking at him. And also the sadness lying within them, that he knew all too well.  
  
"I didn't mean to be rude. I just always work alone. It's nothing personal", the young man sounded almost apologizing. It felt honest and certainly made him feel better.   
"Where are you from?"

Blending in with the crowd obviously didn't work all too well. He cursed at his accent, even as he replied.  
  
"I'm from Spain. I'm sorry for my accent and weird pronunciation."  
  
"No te preocupes por eso. Lo estás haciendo muy bien.", the guy declared, laying down the pen and shifting his body to face him. "My accent is probably way worse."  
  
"No, no! Not at all.", he controlled himself to not add how adorable his accent was. And beautiful his voice.  
  
"Me llamo Lenny Belardo.", the guy reached out for his hand and he gladly took it.  
  
"I'm Bernardo Gutierrez."

"Listen, Gutierrez, we could perhaps work on the first project together. Until the second one you surely made some friends and can do the other projects with them."  
  
Bernardo wasn't sure what caused the sudden change of heart, but he was more than glad for it and could barely hide his excitement: "Yes, yes! Thank you so much for working with me."

Lenny smiled at this still obvious outburst of joy, which made his heart jump. He blamed it on the excitement not on the beautiful smile, but he knew this wasn't the case. As he sit down next to Lenny and put his notebook and pen onto the table, the professor was willing to continue the curse and tried to make the class quiet again. He used the opportunity to get a better look at the man next to him, trying not to be too obvious for several reasons.  
  
The first being, he didn't want to seem rude in anyway, and starring at someone, who was basically still a stranger, certainly was considered rude - at least where he came from. But he couldn't imagine the American culture to differ too much from his own, at least when it came to this. The second being, he was gay and terribly afraid of anyone finding out. So afraid that he was almost paranoid to interact with any man too intimately, even if it was meant in a friendly way, fearing someone would figure it out. Fearing he was too obvious. Fearing it would ruin his future forever.

He couldn't help but looking at Lenny Belardo, though. And he was sure that if there would be any women in this priest seminar, they certainly wouldn't be able to either. Or men like him for that matter. Lenny was incredibly handsome, from his blue eyes, to his soft lips. Bernardo thought about what a waste he will be as a priest, att least in theory, because he wasn't naive enough to think every priest sticks to the celibacy rule. And just judging by Lenny's look, he certainly would be one of those.  
He looked at the beautiful hands' movement, as they were almost gracefully moving the pen across the paper, writing down notes as the professor was speaking.  
  
And realized he wasn't paying attention as the class had already continued.

He slightly panicked and rushed to look for a pen, furiously writing something down, acting like he hasn't been distracted, and could have sworn Lenny chuckled and grinned for a moment. And prayed he didn't actually noticed something.

 

As the class was finally over and they got ready to leave, Lenny asked when and where they would meet to start their project. Bernardo certainly didn't want him to see his place, so he made up a thousand excuses, feeling incredibly bad for lying. They eventually decided Lenny's room would be the best and were about to part, until Bernardo realized he was quite hungry but didn't know where to get something to eat. Explaining that the canteen's food barely fit the definition of food, Lenny told Bernardo about a nearby café that he could show him.  
  
"I don't want to cause any circumstances", Gutierrez rushed to say, but Lenny only shook his head.  
  
"I'm hungry anyway."  
  
Bernardo couldn't believe how lucky he was to spend more time with Lenny, even outside their project. For a moment, he hoped that maybe they could even become friends. And he wished they could possibly be more. But he knew it was wrong, and ridiculous.   
  
The café was rather small but quite comfy - certainly refreshing after having spent half the day in a scary lecture fall that was way too big for his liking. Only a handful of people were there, so they didn't have a problem finding a table. They ordered something small to eat and Lenny grabbed a nearby paper, starting to flip through the pages. Everyone else would have probably considered this rude, but Bernardo was just so glad Lenny decided to spend time with him, that he didn't care if they would just in silence.   
  
He did wonder, however, if Lenny was just as shy as he was or if he just didn't like socializing. Or if it was both. It was incredibly hard for him to judge Lenny's actions and read what's on his mind, and that was only partly to blame on the fact that he only knew him since a few hours. It seemed to Gutierrez that Lenny deliberately chose to not give a lot away. To not show how he truly felt and what he was thinking. And while he certainly accepted the way Lenny was, it also made him incredibly insecure and only fueled his fear of doing or saying something wrong.   
  
Suddenly, Lenny made a noise of displeasure, pulling him out of his train of thought.  
  
"What's the matter?", Bernardo asked, looking at the disgusted face in front of him, that was still studying the newspaper.  
  
"I don't understand why this is even allowed", Lenny exclaimed as he handed him the newspaper. "This should be prohibited."  
  
For the second time today, Bernardo realized a huge flaw in his way of thinking. He felt more comfortable at the café because the place was small and not as overwhelming as the huge lecture hall, whose wall seemed to be endless. But he now realized it was never the room he was afraid of. It was the people. And how scary people can be never depended on the room they were in. He'd give anything to be back in the class room, as he was looking down at the article in front of him that informed the general public about the peaceful protests for gay rights across the country.  
  
"Yes", his voice was dry and it took him so much self-control to now show any kind of reaction that could possibly give him away. "Certainly."  
  
How he wished he to be back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Neither English nor Spanish are my first language and I only recently started learning Spanish, so I'm still a beginner. I apologize for any mistakes. 
> 
> No te preocupes por eso. Lo estás haciendo muy bien. = Don't worry about it. You are doing great.


	2. Family

He always knew he was gay. He never really thought about it as a child, but looking back he could see the tendency to be interested in men instead of women even then. At the end of the day, he was more surprised that it took him until his late teenage years to figure out he was gay, not the fact itself.

And it has never been hard for him to accept he was gay. Not as he realized it, not as he decided to become a priest and not even after what happened to him.  
It was a part of him, a part he had to hide from the public, the church, but one he never hid from himself.

He never wished he wasn't gay.

_At least not until now._

Every laugh, every motion he made, made him nervous, afraid of Lenny noticing something. But he just couldn’t help starring at him, admiring his beauty, his pretty eyes, that were focused on the book in front of them.

They sat together at Lenny’s desk in his tidy and neat room, figuring out what project they wanted to do. Lenny's room had no sign of personality, no pictures of friends and family, no personal belonging except for a few books. Nothing. Bernardo wouldn't even be surprised if he'd find no clothes in Lenny's closet. The entire room certainly looked empty and cold - unlike his room that was filled with dozens of stuffed animals that kept him company in lonely nights. And even though those toys were the reason he was more than relieved when Lenny suggested to study in _his_ room, he now felt so uncomfortable, he'd rather be surrounded by them instead of these blank walls.  
  
Looking at Lenny, however, made him feel a bit more at ease.

He should dislike Lenny, probably even _hate_ him. But he just couldn’t. Lenny couldn’t accept the way he and many others were, but he would accept how Lenny was. Even if every fiber in him screamed he really shouldn't. He knew better _, so much better_ , but had no other choice. He never held a grudge against anyone. And this stupid crush he had on Lenny certainly didn't help either. He wished it would just go away, considering Lenny neither deserved it nor would ever return it. It was a completely hopeless case. He knew it. His brain told him so. But his heart was clinging to the hope that he and Lenny could be more.  
  
But more than what? Bernardo didn't consider them friends - he would, if he wouldn’t know Lenny wasn't against it.  
They were just partners in a project. However, maybe they could become friends. Maybe he could teach Lenny to be more open-minded. Maybe they could be more.  
  
“Are you okay?” Lenny looked at him, concerned but still with the grace, he naturally had.  
  
And that made Gutierrez swoon.

Confused, Bernardo looked at Lenny and realized he didn’t pay attention to him, while actually paying _too much_ attention to him. Nervous he might have noticed something, he quickly came up with a lie.

“Yes, I’m just thirsty.”

Completely overthinking the situation, he realized the ambiguity of that word and panicked that Lenny might get the wrong idea, so he quickly added _"my throat is dry",_ hoping that this would make the situation any better and immediately feeling stupid for worrying too much about such a silly thing.

“I’m sorry, I never have guests over. I should have offered you something to drink”, all the grace and calmness vanished from Lenny's face as he quickly stood up. He seemed so lost for a moment, making Bernardo immediately regret his lie.

He only knew Lenny since a week but it was enough time to realize they both were rather similar. They had quite a few classes together and not once did he see Lenny hang out with anyone or even just interact with someone. He knew he avoided it on purpose, for whatever reason, but that didn’t change the fact how awkward he was at socializing as well. He certainly was polite and well-mannered but didn't know how to befriend anyone. The only time Gutierrez saw him talk with someone else was with Professor Spencer, and this conversation seemed to be completely of a professional matter. Even though he could tell that Lenny did look up to him a lot, which he found quite adorable.

Lenny was in way as awkward as him, but usually more confident than he was (or at least pretended to be), so Bernardo often forgot about it. Just as he did now. And he felt so sorry for making Lenny feel like a terrible host.

“No! I wasn’t thirsty before, I should have spoken up earlier”, he quickly said, watching Lenny gathering two glasses.

He thought about a way to take Lenny's mind back to a more light-hearted topic, to make him feel better again, so he looked around, trying to find  something to talk about - only to realize his idea was completely doomed due to these empty walls.  
But then he realized he could talk exactly about what's missing here.

“I miss my family a lot.” Gutierrez started, carefully watching Lenny as he nodded his head, filling the glasses with water.

"I can imagine."

"Especially my little sister!" Bernardo smiled at the memory of her. "She cried when I left the country, even though I assured her I would return in a few months. Earlier, actually, considering I will go back for a few days for Christmas. I love Christmas so much. Spending Christmas Eve with your parents and siblings, your entire family in fact, with good food. What could be better? Everyone is happy and laughing. It truly is the best time of the year. My sister and I always sing songs together. It’s so much fun.  Do you have siblings?"

"No, I don't."

The conversation ended right there, which upset Gutierrez a lot. He really tried to hold a friendly conversation with Lenny but he certainly didn't make that easy for him. It almost made him angry. He knew Lenny wasn't too keen on becoming friends but he should at least give a friendly relationship project partners have a try. Lenny's complete disinterest in this conversation hurt Bernardo a bit yet he didn't want to give up that easily and tried again.

  
"Does your family live in this state? Or did you grow up somewhere else?"

"I grew up in an orphanage."

A punch in the gut would have been kinder than the sudden realization why Lenny was so distant to the conversation. Than the realization why there were no family pictures around. He tried to find an easy topic that would take Lenny's mind away from the awkward situation and chose the probably worst one to do so.  
He didn't know what to say. Or to do. What would be okay for him to do and say? Could he make up having brought up the topic at all?

If there ever was a realistic chance of them becoming friends, Bernardo surely ruined it for good.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't know that." of course he didn't and he immediately regretted having added such a stupid thing. "I just meant to... have a conversation."

As Lenny handed Bernardo his glass and sat down again, Bernardo could have sworn he saw Lenny pity him a bit.

"It's alright. I know you meant no harm. What's your sister's name?"

Surprised about the sudden interest in him, or his life, he just stared at Lenny for a moment before he got himself to reply: "Inés."

"How old is she?"

"She just turned eight last month."

"I hope she is doing alright without her big brother."

"She certainly can already take care of herself. She is strong." _Unlike him._

"Just like her brother then." Lenny picked up the book again, signaling the conversation was over, but Bernardo didn't mind. He was in complete awe by what Lenny said. Gutierrez wasn't sure what he meant by that, and he most likely would never know, but he decided to just be happy about the closest to a compliment he'd ever get from Lenny.

And about the thought of how the possibility of becoming friends may not be so improbable at all.

They spent the rest of the afternoon reading articles and taking notes - even though Bernardo never missed an opportunity to look at Lenny and to admire him, dodging his glance whenever Lenny was about to look up. They were quiet most of the time but Gutierrez did enjoy the company, still feeling warm about Lenny's "compliment".

When they decided to call it a day and finally put the books away, Bernardo decided to pick up his mission to make Lenny his friend – or more – again.

"I'm really hungry, now."

He waited a few seconds for a reply, or even for Lenny to say what he wanted him to, but was waiting in vain.

"Are you hungry, too?"

Lenny just nodded, putting the books back into the shelf and organizing the papers.

"Do you want to have dinner somewhere?" Bernardo nervously pulled on the sleeve of his sweater before he said "With me?"

"Gutierrez"

Lenny's voice suddenly sounded so serious, it made him worry if he said something wrong.

"I don't want you to get the wrong idea about the nature of our... _relationship_."  
  
Bernardo's stomach dropped. His hands became sweaty, he felt like he would throw up. So Lenny _did_ notice something. No matter how hard he tried to hide it, it must have been painfully obvious to him. He could feel his entire body starting to shake, as panic overcame him. His mouth was dry, his head felt numb. His voice broke a little bit as he said: "What... what do you mean?"  
  
"I do _not_ appreciate friendly relationships. Only formal ones. We are neither friends, nor will we become some. We are partners in a project for a university class. Nothing more."

A weird mixture of relief and pain flooded his body. He was happy that Lenny was just talking about friendship, that he didn't seem to have noticed how much Bernardo was into him, what he really wanted from him. But at the same time, it hurt to hear Lenny say that - especially after he picked up their conversation early on his own.  
  
It had caused Gutierrez think he made Lenny at least a little bit interested in him - in a friendship with him. But of course he didn't. Why would someone as amazing as him be interested in a friendship with _him_. Why would anyone, in fact.  
  
He nodded as he made his way to the door to leave this cold and empty room: "Yeah. Sorry for asking."

"Gutierrez..." Lenny was about to say something but Bernardo didn't want to hear it anymore and shut the door behind him.

He suddenly felt so lonely again. Like he couldn’t breathe. The floor was completely empty but it overwhelmed him.  
  
He just wanted to go. Go out. Have fun. Drink a beer or two. Or gin. Or whatever made him forget. Forget everything. This day, his life. And especially Lenny. _Fuck Lenny._  
  
He didn't need him or his friendship. Or even more than that. He didn't need anyone. And - he also didn't have anyone here.

He was all alone.  
  
Just like Lenny.  
  
No, he wanted to forget about Lenny. Wanted to stop wondering about what happened to Lenny's parents, why he grew up in an Orphanage. Why Lenny was like that. Why he didn’t want his friendship. Why Lenny didn’t want him. Why no one wanted him.  
  
But he couldn't.  
  
However, he knew that alcohol could make him forget. At least for the night.  
  
As he made his way to the next bar, which location he check on the day he came here, and ordered his first drink, he was looking forward to the deep, dreamless sleep that would embrace him this night. The ability to stop thinking for once.  
  
To forget.

To just finally forget everything.

Even if he knew it was just an illusion. Even if he knew the memory, the thoughts, the fear, would be back again in the morning. But to be able to let it all go for a moment was the best he could get. And he gladly accepted the hole in his wallet for it.

The bar was crowded and felt way more personal than Lenny’s empty and cold room. The people laughed, he saw friends having fun and couple kiss. He envied all of them.

When he ordered his second drink, he began to wonder what Lenny’s laugh would sound like. He was sure it was beautiful and something only special people would ever hear. And he knew he would never be one of those.  
  
As he ordered the third drink, he remembered a different laugh. A mocking, harsh laugh. A laugh he so desperately tried to forget.  
  
That’s when he knew, he had to drink more. And drink faster.  
  
He paid for his drinks and left the bar, made his way to the next liquor store – whose location he also had checked on the day he arrived – and bought two bottles of the hardest alcohol he could find.  
  
He knew those would help, like they always do.  
  
Bernardo drank and walked, and as he drank more, his steps became unsteadier.  
He didn’t know what he was heading towards to and the closer he came, the less he cared.  
  
He could be walking straight of a bridge right now for all he cared. And he knew no one would mind. Especially not Mr. I-don’t-want-you-to-be-my-friend.  
  
When his body told him he arrived as his destination, Bernardo found himself facing a familiar door and knocking at it. He didn’t know who the door belonged to or why he knocked, his body  just moved on his own. And he didn’t mind.  
  
He leaned against the door, trying to focus on something, before his legs gave in and he passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just imagine this would have taken me months to write (I'm so sorry).


	3. Nights

The nights always were the hardest part.  
  
Daytime usually offered some kind of distraction, something different to think about, anything trivial to concentrate his thoughts on. But the nights were different.  
Lenny often felt like demons, that'd sleep at days, would come out as soon as the sun set and the world around him was silence. As the darkness came, those demons did, too. Of course he knew demons weren't real, that all of this was just inside his head, but that didn't make it any easier.

He was lying in his warm and comfortable bed but felt anything but save. He was trapped. Blackness surrounded him, almost made him choke, slowly sucking him in further as he tried so desperately to escape.   
But there was no escape from his mind.  
  
Sleep. He really needed to sleep. It always seemed like the only way to escape all this. But falling asleep was so hard with all these loud voices surrounding him. Two voices, who sounded so strange and distant yet familiar. Voices of love. Or a lost love. Or love turned hate. Voices that left him so many years ago yet stayed with him somehow.   
  
He fought to fall asleep. He really did. But in the end, all fighting was useless, just a waste of energy he could use in the morning as he would have to spend another day yet without sleep.   
And even on the raw occassions he did win the fight, nightmares always were his reward.  
  
Lenny eventually gave up. He was in his nightgrown, sitting on his bed, staring into the darkness. Trying to somehow make those demons go away. But it didn't work. It never did.  
  
As he was slowly about to get up, a noise suddenly made him pause. Was that a knock on his door? He closed his eyes to listen more closely but nothing followed, so he came to the conclusion he must have been mistaken.  
He sighed, thinking the sleep deprivation must slowly cause him to lose his sanity and stood up but just as he was about to turn on the light on his night stand, he heard a noise again, even louder than the first time.  
  
It surely wasn't a knock, but something alarming. Something had been thrown against his door. He looked at his alarm clock: 3:48 AM. Surely everyone on the campus must have been asleep already. And indeed, as he looked out of the window, he found the surrounding buildings to be completely dark, not a single light to be found. But still. There _has_ been a noise. Or two to be exact.  
He stood there for a few seconds, unsure what to do, but finally decided to check what has caused them. He slowly made his way to the door, looking through the spyhole but could only see the door on the other side, staring back in silence. He was about to go back to bed but something, most people he knew would probably call it God, told him to open the door nonetheless. So he did.

Lenny wasn't sure what he expected. He wasn't even sure if he expected anything at all, but what he certainly didn't expect to find was Gutierrez sitting in front of his door, back leaned against the wood. He naturally fell as the door was opened and Lenny just barely managed to catch him before his head would have hit the ground.  
  
"Gutierrez" Lenny tried to lift his upper body up again, scanning his body for any kind of injury. "Are you hurt?"  
  
The young man didn't reply but instead smiled stupidly back at him, his entire body smelled heavily enough like alcohol to give Lenny the clue about what was wrong but even if that wouldn't have been the case, the empty bottle of gin in his hand would have surely told him. Lenny prayed this idiot didn't drink all of it himself as he tried to get him back onto his feet.   
  
"I have little to no knowledge about the Spanish Culture but getting wasted on a Wednesday evening surely isn't a part of it" he dragged Gutierrez inside and barely managed to close the door behind them. "Otherwise your country surely wouldn't be as productive as it is."  
  
Bernardo clung onto Lenny's supporting body, a little too tight, and somehow they both managed to make their way to his bed. It was a piece of work to get Gutierrez hands of his nightgrown but Lenny did it and carefully sat his friend- _project partner_ down. He silently stood there, analyzing the situation he just got into, only to sigh heavily as he realized there was no way he could get Gutierrez to his room like that. Especially considering he didn't even know where his room was.  
Lenny was about to say something as his visitor made some gagging motions, causing Lenny to jump and grab the nearest bowl-like item he had, holding it under Gutierrez' head just in time.  
The entire situation certainly wasn't what Lenny has hoped for when he went to bed this evening, wishing, no, praying for something to ease him from this pain, to distract him from his thoughts, but he still gladly took it.  
  
And thing was better than his usual nights, than his dreams.  
  
"Thanks" Gutierrez managed to say as he finished, clinging to the bowl. Lenny slowly let go of it, making sure the other one would hold on to it.  
  
He wasn't quite sure what to do. He himself has never been drunk before, or even drank any alcohol apart from an occasional glass of wine. He never went to parties or anything similar that would offer the perfect opportunity to get wasted. However, in his late teenage years, he often took a good care of his friend Andrew whenever he returned to the orphanage after having sneaked out to go to a party, which some girls he met in town invited him to.  
  
This happened quite a lot as they got older and every time Andrew, like the good friend he was, offered Lenny to come along but he declined. Meeting people has never been anything he looked forward to. Befriending them even less. What was the point? They would have ended up abandoning him anyway. Or at least hurt him. Staying alone in his room, reading, studying, always seemed more of a fun activity than going out. At least that's what he told himself.  
  
Even though he had a lot of experience dealing with a drunken friend, he still always felt completely useless helping them out. Mainly because he knew there wasn't much he could do. So he did nothing but watch Gutierrez for a while as he hung over the bowl, looking like he would faint any time. He obviously was in a horrible state and a part of him told Lenny that he was responsible for this, that his words earlier caused this. He had realized Gutierrez was more sensitive than him - at least openly - however, he still didn't choose his words carefully enough. He knew that. Something in him wanted to apologize but the other side of him told him it would be completely stupid. He meant every word he said that afternoon. Why would he apologize for it? He absolutely meant it. 

Right?

Lenny gently took the bowl from Gutierrez hands when he was sure, at least as sure as one can be, he was stable enough again and sat down in front of him.  
  
"You have to take of your jacket and shoes."  
  
Bernardo looked at him, having obviously heard him talk, but didn't react, causing Lenny to sigh and stand up again, insecurely scratching his head.  
  
"Nevermind, I'll do it."

He felt a bit weird as he slowly untied Gutierrez' shoes and helped him get out of the sleeves of his jacket but after a minute or two it was all done. For a second he thought about giving him one of his shirts to sleep in but he surely didn't want to have to undress Gutierrez completely. So he would have to sleep in his jeans and sweater. Why did he even care so much?

He was about to tell Gutierrez to go to sleep but was expecting a similar reaction to his earlier request, so he just gently pushed his torso down onto the mattress. Their eyes met as he did so and suddenly Bernardo's face turned all soft, sweetly looking at his. He had seen this before. Years back in California. And it scared him even more now than it did back then. He stumbled back, looking at him in shock, hoping, praying he was just completely misinterpreting the entire situation.

"You so beautiful" the drunken one still looked at him with this expression. It didn't have to mean anything. Drunk people say all kinds of stupid things they don't mean, Lenny knew that. He straightened himself, trying to get into control again as he put the blanket over him, fearing he'd catch a cold otherwise - which he was only fearing because that would mean it'd throw them behind their working schedule, of course. Why else would he care?  
  
"Thanks" he didn't know what else to say or if he should say anything at all.

"I think I lov-"  
  
"Stop."  
  
He surely wasn't about to say what Lenny feared he would. It was wrong. So wrong. In so many ways. Gutierrez couldn't possibly truly feel like that. Even if he was about to say what he thought, he surely meant it as a friend because Lenny knew he still didn't let go of the hope of them becoming friends. Gutierrez couldn't possibly be one of _those_ people.

And even if he was why would he fall in love with _him_.

Who would do that?

To his surprise Gutierrez actually did stop talking and when Lenny gathered enough courage to look at his face again, he saw that Gutierrez peacefully sleeping. Lenny thanked the Lord for getting him out of this situation and turned the light off, sitting down next to his bed, resting his head against the cold bedframe.

It was quiet again. 

But something had changed. He wasn't as uncomfortable as before, the voices were quieter. For some weird reason he actually felt... good. Lenny knew he was still alone. And he knew that this would never change. But right now he didn't feel like he was. Maybe he could even get some sleep. Maybe... maybe this time the nightmares wouldn't come.  


He carefully closed his eyes as if he was afraid about what he would see behind his lids, and in a way he really was, gently resting his head on the mattress next to the pillow and for the first time in years managed to drift away immediately, as he felt save and sound.  


Gutierrez wouldn't say the ceiling looked unfamiliar, every ceiling looked the same in this building, but he still could tell he wasn't lying in his bed. Or in his room. He wasn't entirely sure what happened last night, considering the memory after when he left the liquor store was only in fragments, but he did know he dreamt about Lenny. A dream he knew he shouldn't have had. He couldn't remember everything but he knew Lenny undressed him and that memory alone made him shiver.  
  
He slowly lifted his body up, ignoring the screaming pain in his head, as he looked around the room that was bathing in the faint light of the morning sun. And he panicked. He knew that room. He almost jumped up but his body gave in and made him stay in bed.  
  
A faint noise was right next to him and he quietly turned his head - against the protesting pain - to find Lenny resting his head next to where his hand was, sleeping almost soundlessly while sitting on the ground. It was the most adorable thing he had ever seen - and also the most frightening one. He remembered. The undressing wasn't a dream - and what happened afterwards surely wasn't either. He felt like crying, did he really almost confessed his love to Lenny? Did he really say enough for Lenny to realize to know what was going on? If so, why didn't Lenny throw him out? Perhaps it was a dream after all? 

He didn't have more time to think about it all as Lenny's head slowly lifted. He rubbed his eyes and sleepily looked around just like Gutierrez did before, before their eyes met. Bernardo turned red immediately.

"I'm sorry! So sorry! For everything, I caused so much trouble, I - you let me sleep in your bed and had to sleep on the ground, I'm so sorry. I threw up didn't I? I will clean that mess up immediately, I'm so sorry. I will clean everything up and then leave and you won't have to see me again!"

Still a bit sleepy, Lenny yawned and stood up slowly, hand rubbing his arching back.  
  
"So you plan to let me do all the work of our project alone."  
  
"No! No of course not, I can do the project! I'm so sorry! I'm also so sorry I woke you up in the middle of the night!"  
  
Lenny slightly shook his head and looked away: "I wasn't asleep."  
  
"Why didn't you sleep..."  
  
"Let's just forget about what happened."

Gutierrez stared at him in disbelief. He really wanted to forget about everything and pretend nothing happened? Perhaps he really didn't say anything at all to Lenny, perhaps he didn't confess his love. Maybe it _was_ all just a dream.  
Either way, Bernardo was incredibly glad Lenny just wanted to forget about it. And also that he didn't ask why he was so drunk.

"Just" Lenny began. "I highly suggest you stop drinking like that."  
  
Bernardo nodded, knowing perfectly well he couldn't promise that but right now he would accept anything to get out of this situation. Lenny started to get dressed and even though he couldn't really see anything because his body was shielded by the closet door, Gutierrez furiously tried to ignore it so he looked around to check if he made a mess he would have to clean up.  
  
His host finished and went back to him, offering him the jacket he took off him last night.

"Let's catch some breakfast."

He didn't know what he did to deserve that. It didn't make any sense to him, but he gladly accepted the invitation. Perhaps Lenny didn't mean what he said yesterday. Perhaps there still was a way for them to become friends.  
Gutierrez jumped up happily only to immediately have to sit down again, as the room began to spin in front of his eyes. There was no way he was strong enough to stand up and go somewhere to eat. His opportunity scrambled right in front of his eyes. And he hated himself for it. He still wanted to spend time with Lenny so desperately, so he tried to stand up again, succeeded even, only to lose his strength again once he stood, stumbling, waving his arms around and falling back onto the bed, which only caused the headache to go worse. He could have cried. 

Lenny, who instinctively had tried to catch Gutierrez again and now awkwardly stood above Bernardo, looked down at him. Gutierrez avoided the other ones glance, feeling terrible. This was the worst morning he ever- no, but it certainly was one of the worst mornings he ever had. His hand clung into the bedsheet, shaking out of anger on himself, his eyes felt with tears. He was so frustrated with himself, with the world. Even with God.

"Change of plans."

He knew it.

"I go alone."

Of course.

"And you wait here for me to return with our breakfast and some Aspirin."

Lenny left without waiting for a reply but Bernardo was more than happy for it because couldn't stop himself from crying. He was happier than he'd been in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm the slowest writer and I'm so sorry for that. My Lenny tattoo finally gave me the strength to finish this stupid chapter and I hope it'll make me write the next one.


End file.
